Conspiracy theories are really good for blog traffic, I’ve heard. And this one has the expert backing of the HBI (Holste Bureau of Investigation) and our 4 ½-year-old chief analyst.
The first encounter with “Squid-man” was when Agent M. Holste was driving the chief and the chief’s junior-analyst baby brother by the shopping center today. M. noticed that a bumper sticker said, “My other ride is a cephalopod.” (No joke. It really did say that.) The chief ordered that an official investigation be opened immediately.
- Cephalopod denotes the class of animals that includes mollusks like squids, octopuses, and cuttle-fish. Our chief analyst concluded that, since a car cannot be a mollusk, it makes more sense to assume that the driver is a mollusk. For the purposes of this investigation, we have christened him “Squid-man.”
- How can Squid-man breathe outside the ocean? There are several possibilities.
- His car is sealed up and filled with water. We may not have noticed the water because we were so busy looking at the bumper sticker.
- He is wearing a suit that disguises him as a human and circulates ocean water and other nutrients that he may need to survive. This conclusion is supported by the chief’s assertion that he noticed an air tank on Squid-man’s back.
- What information can we glean from the appearance of his car: a run-down, older car, possibly Korean or Japanese make? The HBI chief asserts this is likely sign of his association with pirates. The car may be a converted pirate ship, which would explain its poor condition.
- What possible motive can Squid-man have in leaving the ocean, disguising himself as a human, and driving a converted pirate ship-car? We are sorry to say that the only possible conclusion is WORLD DOMINATION. Squid-man is determined to take over the world.
- What is his immediate strategy and what measures can the HBI take to ensure world safety and the expeditious capture of this highly dangerous entity?
…This just in. The chief has a printout of Squid-man’s plan of attack from the computer at headquarters. Squid-man was driving around the shopping center because he plans to begin by taking over the grocery store. And like any other super-villain monster, his aim is to eat the people!
The HBI must partner with the navy, the army, the police, and the good citizens of this fair city to capture Squid-man as quickly as possible and avert his evil plans.